I never really write journal entries anymore. Usually it is very difficult for me to clearly write about the things that are bouncing around in my head. However, I have a bit of downtime right now, so I will try to squeeze a few thoughts out.

Lately, all I've really been thinking about is my research and how to balance all of the important things that I want and need to do. I've got to finish this paper that I've been working on, but it is just taking me so much longer than I ever imagined that it would. I'm not quite sure I understand why. I think a lot of it is that I am using a bunch of measurements and ordination techniques to help visualize within and between group variance of the morphology within broad behavioral and phylogenetic categories. This, in itself, is not excessively time consuming, but taking those mathematical spaces and clearly linking them to definitive morphology that is interpretable by the human eye is a painfully slow and tedious process. I am making headway, but still need more time before I can actually produce the fleshed-out outline that I so desperately need to be done with.

More than that, I need to work on my dissertation proposal. However, I just can't work on it until I have written the outline for this earlier project. It is driving me nuts. I have a lot of ideas that I want to work on and a pilot study that needed to be underway two months ago. It seems that no matter how hard or how long I work, I am always a year behind where I should be. It is more frustrating than I care to express. Then there is always the financial issue as well...

On top of all this, I need to put together a strong scientific illustration portfolio. Which of course means, I need lots of time to draw. I need to put together some varied pieces showing different techniques, different illustration styles, and, of course, diverse subject matter. Finding the time to fit this in with my other work is a balancing act indeed.

Its been a long time since I wrote last. Is it really April already? Where did the time go? Why must it pass so fast? I wish it would slow down.

I need a rest.

I just got back from the AAPAs in Chicago. Now I am in NJ for a bit. That's a lot of traveling around in only a few days.

Chicago was nice. The meetings weren't bad, though there wasn't that much relevant to my interests going on. The hotel room was large and not over packed with people. I even got an evening to myself to relax and get some artwork in. The field museum was fun, though I really wish that I could have gotten to the zoo and the aquarium. I did go swimming a bit, albeit in a tiny pool packed with screaming children. But it was still swimming. The flight home was surprisingly smooth. The airline served Duncan Donuts coffee and we didn't even have to wait on the tarmac. However, O'Hare's security broke my luggage. They chose my bag for a random search and rather than carefully open it to observe its contents, they ripped a hole in it and broke off one of the zipper pulls. It wasn't like the thing was locked. Oh well, nothing was stolen and none of my things were disturbed at least.

Poe really missed me while I was gone. She has not left me alone since I've gotten back. Now she is chasing bouncy balls across the wooden floor.

I think I will sleep a bit now. I have a ton of diagrams to produce tomorrow.

Anyone who knows me already knows that I love robots. It started way back in the early 80s when I was a kid. I was fascinated by Number Johnny Five from Short Circuit and Vincent and Old Bob from The Black Hole. For a very long time, these were some of my favorite movies. I still adore The Black Hole, but I find Short Circuit to now be a bit too cheesy for me. Not to say that The Black Hole isn't cheesy. Far from it, but there is still something in that movie that can hold my interest: a spaceship full of robots. Of course if you want to talk about spaceships, one can't forget about Hal 9000. He was more of a computer than a robot, but technically the spaceship The Discovery could be considered his body in an abstract sort of way. I was always moved by Hal's quote, "Will I dream?" in 2010.

As I was growing older, I began to encounter robots in other forms of media. The most monumental of these was Mega Man. Mega Man 2 was the first Nintendo game that I had ever played. I still remember when my cousin put the controller in my hand and it was finally my turn to play. Two decades later Mega Man 2 is still my favorite video game.

At some point during all of this, I discovered The Transformers. I quickly became an avid Starscream fan (yes, one of those) and shunned most Autobots. I am still a definitive Decepticon, but now appreciate the grumpy personality of old Ironhide despite his Autobot shortcomings.

Three or four years ago, I started reading Isaac Asimov's novels. Just last Summer, I got my hands on a copy of Robots and Empire. The robot Giskard was profound. When I read Prelude to Foundation, I fell in love with Daneel Olivaw all over again. I am now reading the Foundation novels and am disappointed to not have encountered any more robots.

So which one is my favorite? I haven't a clue. I love them all.

I feel like writing, but I'm not quite sure what it is that I want to write about. Maybe I'm looking for something to avoid the never ending torrent of work that I should be doing right now. My head hurts a lot. I've got a bad headache and it won't go away. Its getting to the point where I can't really focus. Hopefully the pain meds will kick in soon and I will feel a bit better.

I had weird dreams last night. They were about bones and dissecting and opossums. They were graphic, so I will not go into detail other than that they were troubling. I woke up feeling like in the night I had been dashed upon sharp rocks only to be found the next morning drifting in the surf. It was an odd sensation and one that I did not like.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately. I have read, The Gargoyle by Andrew Davidson and The Road by Cormac McCarthy. I liked The Gargoyle book a lot. It was very strange and fairly nonsensical in a way, but I enjoyed the way the author wrote. He was able to conjure up some dark imagery which I thought was very good. The Road was an interesting book, but I am not quite sure what I think about it. The author often did not write in complete sentences and did not use proper punctuation. It tended to get on my nerves a bit, but the story was enjoyable. It was very dark and depressing, but I like that in a book.

Now I am reading Phantom by Terry Goodkind and do not want to put it down. However, the pain in my head and the mass of work that I need to do prevents me from reading anymore for a bit.

It is a very nice day today. I am in the OBX and the sun is out and the weather is warm. I love these warm January days. I'm sitting on the couch with the sliders open enjoying a nice cup of vanilla biscotti coffee. The sound of the ocean and the gentle breeze are very relaxing. I've needed this.

Last semester was hellish. I'm so glad its over now. I honestly thought I wasn't going to pass, but I did and I am relieved. The summer was even worse. I'd have to say it was without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever lived through. I've needed a break, some time to just heal.

The weather is nice today. Perhaps something interesting and dead has washed up on the beach. So far there hasn't been anything of particular note, but I did find a live hermit crab, some sea glass, a sand dollar, and an odd bone. Today will be a good day. I can feel my anxiety slowly dissipating. I need this.

I think I may have finally run out of space for my osteological collection. I am going to have to do some major reorganization. First, I need to get gelcaps (for small, fragile parts), and then start labeling/cataloging everything. It is a frightful undertaking.

I got new bones today. Lots of squirrel paws and postcrania, a broken raccoon skull, from which I think some more auditory ossicles are recoverable, and some larger cervical vertebrae that I'm not yet sure what animal they are from. I have some bacula, a few random paws and claws, and a disarticulated cat skeleton on the way. Now I am trying to win a disarticulated rabbit skeleton. I really need one of those.

I really don't want to split my collection between my apartment and office, but if I can't figure out this space issue, I may have to. It would be best to just keep everything together...

My new skeleton came yesterday. I was surprised because it was only shipped a day or two ago. I went out to do laundry and upon my return two packages were waiting at my front door. I felt like it was Christmas.

The Bassariscus is great! Some very gorgeous claws. I need to think more about procyonid claws - more about carnivoran claws as well. I wish, wish I had the time to look at claws used for activities other than locomotion, like prey apprehension... The skull of this particular specimen is damaged, which I knew and am not concerned about. I'm going to see if I can repair it at some point. The cool thing about this, is that I was actually able to find a malleus. There are no auditory ossicles in my collection, so the addition of this one is very exciting. They are so tiny and so perfect. No incas or stapes though. Sadness.

Two articulated badger forepaws were also added to my collection yesterday. They are quite lovely, though some of the carpals are missing on one. Regardless the paws are a great reference to have around when thinking about phalanges. The general diversity seen in the forepaws of mammals is just so incredible.

Enough rambling, there is much work to do this morning.

So, I found one of the coolest websites ever. It is called Remember the Milk. Essentially, it is an online organization of your to-do lists. You can create all these nicely organized lists, add automatically reoccurring tasks, and get notifications of things you forgot to do. Not only that, but you can get a plug-in for firefox that causes your lists to come up on your gmail page. It is awesome. Yet, for some odd reason, I still have done none of the things I meant to do... Anyway, this is the website:

http://www.rememberthemilk.com

I wish dunkin donuts would deliver. I think they could make a bundle off of grads and undergrads alike. I want dunkin donuts coffee more than anything right now, but it just isn't to be. No coffee for me. Sadness. Just a never ending stream of population genetics problems... I had fully intended to do them last night, but I fell asleep. Now I really have to get this done tonight so I can have most of tomorrow off and finish up lab stuff on Sunday. I do not know how long I can do this before I fall asleep. I've been working since 7am today. If I had the energy, I'd drive to dunkin donuts, but I don't think I could safely at this point. I shall settle for home brew instead.

And I'd really like to know why Poe keeps walking around me in circles making that little half meow cat noise cats tend to make.

EDIT: You know what? Screw this crap. I'm going to bed.

Last night I bought the new Dune book, Paul of Dune. Apparently Borders was out of stock, but Barnes and Noble had a bunch. I am excited to read it. Hopefully it will be similar in style to the House trilogy and not like the Butlerian Jihad trilogy which I feel was a little too drawn out. I'm glad that there will now be books to fill the gap between Dune and Dune Messiah.

If only I had the time to read it. Actually, I have about a years worth of books waiting to be read. I've just been way too busy lately. I can't even remember what's going on nor who I was having what conversation with. I reach this point in the afternoon where my whole body just crashes. I am at that point now. Teaching a three hour lab is very tiring, but I was happy because a lot of the students were really into identifying vertebrae and determining where different structures were located. Its really exciting when people get into the work.

That reminds me... I was supposed to write a quiz today. And there's something about pop-gen problems that are due soon. I just keep forgetting. Maybe now that I wrote it down, I wont. But first, I really want to do some EFA stuff. I'm viewing the reconstructed outlines from the elliptical fourier coefficients and they are so pretty. I can get lost among the graphs if I am not careful. In fact, I think I am lost already.

I learned some interesting information yesterday. Some interesting information indeed. We have a new maintenance person at my coop. Apparently two of the old ones had been fired. I'm not sure why, but it was at one point implied that they were inefficient. I suspect something more than just that. The new maintenance guy was full of rather compelling factoids. I now know that crazy lady is living in a roach infested apartment with her three cats and an incredible odor. The maintenance guy said he must have seen around a hundred roaches crawling everywhere (including up the curtains) in broad daylight. So clearly, this has been going on for a long time... As persistent and obnoxious as roaches can be, it still takes time for the infestation to become that bad. Last month (early August) we had our routine preventative bug spraying. I suspect that they did not get into her apartment. This annoys me. What is the point of preventative spraying if it is that inefficient? I also now know that I am not the only person in the building that refers to this woman as the crazy lady. Apparently, the whole building does. Particularly inconvenienced by her insanity is the woman that lives in the apartment adjacent to hers. The roaches freely enter her apartment and she is freaking out. I do not blame her. Maintenance guy said she has been complaining about this issue. If this has been going on for awhile, as the state of crazy lady's apartment suggests, it would stand to reason that her neighbor has been complaining for awhile. If she has been complaining for awhile, why the hell did they take until now to do something about it? Maintenance responded the day that I complained, but have they been ignoring other complaints? Did they only respond to mine because they know I will raise unholy hell until this issue is resolved? Simply speculation, but disturbing none the less.

At least they are doing something. The coop has hired a new exterminator and they are actually spraying in every apartment now. This was the problem we had during the last infestation. They were only spraying the apartments of the people that were complaining and were not even spraying crazy lady's apartment where they were all coming from. I still have a major concern. I only get the occasional roach visitor. This means there could easily be a raging infestation elsewhere in the building that I will have no way of knowing about until much, much later. So how do I follow up on this issue and completely verify that the building is roach free? I need to meet and talk to the woman upstairs that has also been complaining. I want this issue ended once and for all. Quite frankly, I am going to be a giant pain in the ass until this is verified.

They are back and they are breeding. I saw one last night for the first time since November. It was a late stage nymph. I currently have a kitten that needs round the clock care and can not be here when exterminators come to spray. I don't know what to do. Originally, I had plans to deal with such an eventuality, but they have fallen through and are compounded by the presence of round worms and 3X a day eye meds. I can't call to complain about the bastards until I can figure out a new plan, but at this point I am at a loss. Fuck.

I am so upset that I am actually writing poetry about these bastards.

I saw you today.
You tried to scamper away.
You died anyway.

I dedicate this to the invading night time visitors who flit in through the cracks.

Poe had her vet appointment this morning. It did not go as well as I had hoped. Poe has an infection in both of her eyes. I have no idea if this has anything to do with her anisocorea (uneven pupil size) or not. I can tell her eyes are really bothering her. Yesterday, she started squinting one of them, and today she had some puss in it. Her incision from her previous spay operation is somewhat infected as well. And she has round worms. On a happy note, she does not have feline leukemia or FIV. She was so well behaved at the vet. She did not bite or scratch or even hiss at all. However, she was very upset when her temperature was taken. She made the most plaintive little sound that I have ever heard. The vet took her to the back to do some blood work and test for leukemia/FIV while I had to wait in the examination room. I was staring sadly at a picture on the wall when the biggest cat I've ever seen head butted my leg. He then proceeded to eat my purse as I pet him.

The most painful ordeal of this is yet to come: Poe's treatment. For her incision, she needs a warm Epsom salt compress for 5-10 minutes twice a day. I tried it about a half hour ago and it went ok. She actually stayed still for a little while, but I was able to restrain her when she started wiggling. I was sad to hear her make her very upset kitten noise. The incision looks a lot better after just this first compress, so I'm very happy about that at least. She also needs to take oral antibiotics twice a day administered with an eye dropper. I will find out how this goes in a bit. Finally, she needs to have an ointment (yes a vaseline-like ointment) applied to each cornea three times a day, every day, for three weeks! I do not know how I am going to manage this. Honestly, I am worried sick about it. I think restraining her is going to be a two people job and I am only one person.

Tomorrow morning, I have to go back to the vet and pick up her round worm medication. God, I hope its not a suppository. There are moments when I seriously think my life could not possibly get any worse, and then, whoops, its worse. I have no idea how I'm going to get through all this.

So, I called Cablevision today to see about getting access to more than 12 channels in which half of them are Spanish. Since, I don't speak Spanish, I effectively have 6 viewable and comprehensible channels. Now, I mentioned earlier in a rather jubilant post that the Cablevision website listed an option where I could upgrade to IO for the price of my current package plus $10.95. This sounded perfect and affordable. However, when I called to inquire about it, I discovered a sordid truth. I can, in fact, upgrade to IO for only $10.95 more, but the IO that I would be purchasing would only include channels 100-199. In effect, I would have my 6 viewable channels plus channels 100-199. Upgrading, would provide me with a package which would simply skip all of the channels that I do want and give me more crap that I don't want. For only $10.95 more. Bastards. Who would ever want that?

I ended up upgrading to family cable which will be turned on by Tuesday morning. I am now paying an astronomical price for the few channels that I actually do want. Cable companies need to get their heads out of their asses and do pay per channel plans where you can compose your own packages of only the channels you actually want. This would allow customers to stop paying for a bunch of channels that they will never watch. Quite frankly, cable companies are robbing us and this practice should be illegal.

Did anyone else think of the song Volvo Driving Soccer Mom by Everclear when they heard about McCain's pick for running mate?

"You know I used to be a bad girl
I got busy in the bathroom at my high school prom
Yeah I used to be a dancer at the local strip club
But now I know my right wing from my wrong"

...

"Where do all the porn stars go
When the lights go down?
I wonder where all the porn stars go
'Cause when you need one, they are never around

I think they moved out to the suburbs
And now they're blonde, bland, middle-class Republican wives
They all have blonde, bland, middle-class Republican children
Blonde, bland, middle-class Republican lives

Where do all the porn stars go
When the lights go down?
I think I know where all the porn stars go
They all become Volvo-driving soccer moms"

Ok, so I really know nothing about this woman other than that she is an evangelical christian, has like two years of experience, is pro-life, and describes herself as a hockey mom...

The NY Times likens McCain's choice of Palin to Bush's selection of Quayle for VP. I find that funny in a really disturbing way.

Palin is quoted as saying, "I’ll tell you, I still can’t answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the V.P. does everyday?" link
My my...

This question is a difficult one to answer and I find myself really pondering it. For the most part, I've attempted to do everything that I have wanted to do without knowing if I would fail or not. I don't think the fear of failure is a very paralyzing element in my life as I do tend to take a lot of risks. However, The greatest hindrance in my life is more my near pathological shyness. I have a terrible fear of people which prevents me from being very social. I think I would rather have that fear removed than a knowledge of success or failure in some future endeavor.

To be honest, I'm not really sure why I am afraid of people. It may have something to do with my inability to trust the majority of the human race, but somehow I feel there is more to it than that. Its doubtful that I will every figure out why, but I do hope it dissipates at some point.

I just found out that I can get better cable for adding just $11 more dollars per month. How affordable is that? I am joyous. Now I just have to call to set up an appointment. Tomorrow, tomorrow. This is awesome!

On Sunday, I adopted a kitten. Her name is Poe and she is now 12 weeks old.









She is a gray and white little kitty with short hair. So far she has been very playful and very affectionate. She lets me pick her up, but does not like to be held for any length of time, but she loves to be petted and scratched. She even likes her belly rubbed. Poe's favorite past time is chasing shadows on the wall and her favorite toys are bouncy balls.




She pretty much sleeps all day, but it would seem that she is most active around 6 in the morning.

There are more photos in my scrapbook, so if you want to see the link is on your left.

The semester hasn't even started yet and already I am procrastinating. I'm not even completely registered yet. I am not particularly fond of the idea of going back to school. I didn't really have a Summer and feel kind of gipped. In fact, my Summer sucked major ass and I am pissed off about it. I want to relax and be happy dammit. I don't want to go to class and teach and all of that crap. In a few weeks I will, but not next week.

I do not feel like doing work. I want to sit on my ass and crochet and watch Transformers. But there is just so much stats that I must do. So many tests to run. So much data to interpret. I swear to God, I am writing a dissertation right now. It certainly feels like I could get an 800 page paper out of the work I'm doing. If this is what my qualifying project is, I am afraid to see the gargantuan-ness that will be my dissertation. It will probably be at least 8,000 pages. At least I have ideas for a bunch of "smaller" projects.

In order to further my procrastinatory habits, I would like to announce to the world that I am getting cable. I am also going to start getting netflix. I think I use the word I too much.